In the beginning there was… JIBBLE!

JIBBLE

Wilber Wobbley (Verses 1 to 10)

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1.1 In the beginning there was JIBBLE! And JIBBLE created the known WERBOSPHERE in less than 17 seconds, for he/she/it was really damned clever.

Forty-seven minutes later JIBBLE had a cup of tea and he/she/it said, verily this maketh me mighty refreshed. And so the first law of JIBBLE was created and the occupants of nearby solar systems did feast on small rodents in celebration, JIBBLE was pleased that the rodents were consumed for they had nasty gnashing teeth and were not part of the overall plan…

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1.2 JIBBLE looked out across the vastness of the WERBOSPHERE and thought long and hard, then in a tremendous tremulous voice spaketh the first of many unintelligble utterings…

“HARKEN YE OF INDIGO HUE FOR THINE IS THE HERITAGE OF SHADOW-BOXING.”

And the Indigo-hued peoples did rejoice for they had already purchased a nice gymnasium in the hopes that JIBBLE would bestow upon them a particularly violent past-time.

JIBBLE then seeing how wonderous his/her/its works were, set upon the lands tall deciduous mangrove bushes and summoned forth lavabread for the Okapi’s.

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1.3 Suddenly there cameth a voice of dissent from one of JIBBLES creations and it did sayeth…

“Why are there bones of things older than existence of the WERBOSPHERE? Are you pulling our many legs Oh JIBBLE?”

And JIBBLE did smile an immaculate smile and wrenched the heads from the babies of all the doubters before answering thusly…

“I put them there to tease you into thinking I was fallible and you fell right into my trap, now and forevermore (or until the next tea-time) you shall have headless babies and forget how to use forks and ice-cream scoops!”

Yay the peoples of the WERBOSPHERE didst rejoice in this magnificent blessing.

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1.4 Furthermore Quarks and Sponges didst organise spontaneous tangerine parties and the likeness of JIBBLE did come unto his children (for he was a good JIBBLE really) and he sayeth once more…

“I shall send you a small oval likeness of mine immaculate image and you shall cherish it and raise it as your own, then once it has grown to its fullest it shall invoke the mantra of lupin and the peoples shall shove lupins up there own arses as a sign of worship.”

And the peoples of the WERBOSPHERE didst once again rejoice.

(Also the peoples of nearby WERBOSPHERES didst rejoice in the fact that they had a much better supreme deity who wasn’t anywhere near as kinky).

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1.5 And the peoples didst name the son/daughter/offspring creature CLYDE.

And CLYDE didst grow wisely and handsomely and developed a fondness for boiling anchovies in yaks blood which didst please many but upset a few yak herders, CLYDE rolled joints for his brethren and they didst get verily stoned for it was said that stoning was not a bad thing to do.

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1.6 After many millennia had passed the peoples of the WERBOSPHERE didst developed an interest in stocks and shares, money-laundering and fast cars at the behest of CLYDE, for CLYDE was fast with his mouth, lackadaisical with his trousers and downright ridiculous with his arithmetic.

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1.7 And JIBBLE didst see that his children had outgrown him so in a fit of pique rained down a plague of hernias for the menfolk and a plague of frying pans for the other ones with the interesting bumpy bits, and for those that neither knew there part in the grand scheme he/she/it didst send down a plague of boiled sweets just in case they got bored and started pulling the lupins out of their arses and started screwing each other instead.

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1.8 JIBBLEISM: The TEN Things to be aware of…

1. Thou shalt not discuss Garlic Mayonnaise during times of eating.

2. Thou shalt have Hang-Glider lessons just in case that Hang-Gliders are invented anytime soon.

3. Thou shalt make animal noises whenever engaging in premarital sexual intercourse with beings from other dimensions.

4. Thou shalt never wear blue t-shirts on Tuesday afternoons, between the hours of 3pm and 4pm.

5. Transvestites shall make the best pottery class teachers.

6. Thou shalt consume Owls if they continually keep you awake with their infernal hooting!

7. Breakfast should involve a lot more breaking of things.

8. Scratch number 2, I’ve just been informed that you’ve already invented Hang-Gliders.

9. Trifle is the work of the ANTI-JIBBLE.

10. If you ever see anyone wearing a Mickey Mouse hat you are entitled to break their legs.

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1.9 And it didst come to pass that the creatures of the WERBOSPHERE didst become aware of the other WERBOSPHERES and their much trendier deities, many creatures began to worship these other deities.

So JIBBLE got right upset and sent his highly trained Indigo Shadow-Boxing Elite Task Force in to give them a clout aroundst the ears, noses and throat canals.

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1.10 After a while JIBBLE got really fed up with watching his creations, so he had them mutilate CLYDE with bicycle chains so that he could get him back up onto the JIBBLE MOTHERSHIP, then JIBBLE didst retire to a Caribbean Island and spent the rest of eternity slurping squishy fruit drinks and spanking small furry rodents that had escaped his previous tirade.

Life was good for JIBBLE and he didst invent many sexual positions with his Uncle LOB-SIDE-WINDYFACE. And he allowed his creations to venture out into the great WERBOSPHERE CONGLOMERATE whereby they formed a Galactic Council and made provisions for Cycle Paths, Psychopaths and Secular Cultists.

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Here endeth the ‘THIRST LESSON!’

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The Man in the Pink Mackintosh (3rd Edition)

The Man in the Pink Mackintosh 3rd Edition Cover

The Man in the Pink Mackintosh (3rd Edition) Available from lulu.com

Now featuring an enormous 204 Pages and 13 Chapters of globe-trotting madness with our hero ‘Spud Carrot.’
Finally the truth behind ‘The Man in the Pink Mackintosh’, and greater input from those marvellous accomplices ‘Cedric the Creak’, ‘Edgar Headlines’ and ‘Percy Poles.’

This is the first book in an already published series of madcap novels that comprise ridiculous situations, unnecessarily complex romantic interludes, a totally ‘inept’ detective and an implausible plethora of crazed villains.

Buy this book now at the above link for a meagre £5.07 (+p&p) and your life will never be the same.

Like the foreword says.. Enjoy! It’s supposed to be fun!

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A plea from the Author!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SHARE! Thank you!

I know my writing style is… Odd! I know my grasp of basic ‘grammar rules’ is at best…    Shaky! I know you will find the plot difficult to follow… But, at the now reduced price      of  only £13.43 (+p&p), this is a marvellous introduction to the world of ‘Spud Carrot’.

If you are willing to get past the first three ‘bare bones’ stories, you will I’m sure       see the  continued growth of a collection of characters that you definitely enjoy, make  you chuckle, and most assuredly leave you wanting to know more.

All subsequent books in this series will follow on from this, what is obviously an introduction’ and lead you into a world of pure charm, wonder, heartbreak, and humour.

The entire collection is about the loss of innocence, the growth of knowledge, and the  learning of morals… From the standpoint of complete ineptitude, complete ignorance, and complete nonsense, Spud Carrot begins to learn that the world does indeed have certain boundaries, although not obvious at first, by the last page you will have indeed come to both understand the character… And the author!

Take a chance, what’s the worst that could happen?

The Adventures of Spud Carrot Volume One by Nigel Clements

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Unedited Excerpts from book:7 ‘The Belgian Overcoat.’

     

Here are a few excerpts from my new novel ‘The Belgian Overcoat’…

Her long flaxen hair, tied teasingly behind her perfectly round head, into a bewitchingly provocative ponytail configuration, her half-moon, hand-drawn eyebrows, arching upwards like a pair of over ripe bananas, her kaleidoscopic eyes, constructed it seemed, from a million flecks of discarded stardust, her gentle, slightly upturned nose, proudly displaying its immaculately plucked nostril cavities, and her lips, like two red velvet cushions, pulsating with kissable intent.

“What are you looking at? Pervert!” She said, and her voice rang like a mischievous wood nymph, through the forests of my mind.

“Erm! Sorry.” I said.

“She spoke to me!” I thought.

The doors to the elevator threw themselves aside, at the very same coincidental moment that the elevator, had settled in front of us.

“Hmmm! Lucky.” I thought.

I then thought about fortune, and conundrum, and rounded these thoughts off with a tumult, of long forgotten expletives, which I had long forgotten.

Suddenly I felt myself move, spinning round on my heels, I found myself scared and lonely at the back of the now, in-motion elevator car, attempting to calm myself down, I inadvertently caressed myself into a state of frenzy, and shuffled aimlessly away from Gaye Abandon, who was watching me intently with her eyes.

”Very suspicious.” I thought.

”This could be a clue.” I mumbled.

“You’re a bloody weirdo.” She said, whilst clasping an unseen item secreted within the depths her handbag.

“I’ve got a pepper spray with your name on it, and I’m not afraid to use it.” She continued, with an unfathomable darkness clouding her eyes.

“Hmmm! One half of an aerosol condiment set, apparently called ‘Carrot’, ingenious.” I thought, before continuing…
“I too would not be scared of such a useful, culinary implement, I’d better make a note of that.”

Removing my jotter from the depths of my left pocket, I proceeded to jot, I jotted long and hard, for I knew that in all honesty, this could be my last chance for a good jotting.

The elevator came to an abrupt halt, and the doors again spread themselves away from the centre of the opening, revealing yet another hallway, outside yet another office.

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I felt a sudden pang in my heart, and waiting patiently until it had popped all the balloons, before subsequently moving onto the next level, I pressed save game, and issued my heart the following chastisement…

“Stop playing video games, we haven’t a moment to lose.”

Gathering my senses about me, and chatting to them for a short while, me and my senses came to the conclusion, that the best course of action would be to return home, collect my passport, and head to the nearest airport, mainly because that was where they kept all the airplanes.

My senses also suggested, that I would need a certain amount of money to fund this expedition, and a way of staying in contact with the Chief, therefore searching through my cavernous pockets, I found a completely unopened packet of guava flavoured ‘Tic-Tacs’, another length of string, £6.53 in loose change, a used 25p postage stamp, and a 3amp fuse.

“Brilliant.” I thought.

“I have all the items I need for just such an adventure, and I’m sure that whilst I’m on the continent, I can find a ‘Homing Hamster’ that can swim.” I thought ever onward, with a fair degree of confidence.

Thus abandoning my trip home, placing my fair degree of confidence back into its frame, hanging it up in its usual place, and fastening my yellow raincoat against the forthcoming storm, I set off to hail myself a taxi.

After 4 hours of standing at the side of the road, throwing pocketfuls of loose gravel towards the traffic, I was relieved to find myself situated comfortably in the back seat of a passing police car, having been fitted rather generously with a pair of matching bracelets, which was a really nice gesture, even though some fool had forgotten to remove the security chain from the middle, I knew that my journey had at last begun, and I would probably be somewhere over the Himalayas, Belgium, or possibly both, within the next 27 minutes.

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Fifteen seconds later I was standing in terminal one, at ‘Gatwick International Airport’, awaiting the next outward bound flight, to ‘Kathmandu.’

As I boarded the next outward bound flight, I became aware that its intended destination, was in fact ‘Barcelona.’
“Hmmm! Close enough.” I thought.

At the top of the gantry type structure, I became instantly aware that I had surreptitiously ejected the postage stamp from the depths of my pocket, and was in the process of thrusting it with the force of my full trusty thrusting actions, towards an onrushing steward.

He was a bulky man, in fact he was bulkier than a bulkhead, and his head was indeed full of bulk, he instantly recoiled, his furrowed brow furrowed further, his piggy eyes made innate snorting noises, and his top plate clattered incessantly, like the click clack of a hell-train crossing the Delaware bridge, he stank of obsolescence, and he viewed me with a criss-cross pattern, which was intricately etched across his thinly veiled exterior.

“Take a seat and don’t give me any trouble.” He said politely through gnashing dentures.

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My dreams were fraught with dancing cabbages, near naked Belgian detectives, a scantily clad copy of the ‘Collins World Atlas’, and an interestingly shaped trouser press.

Suddenly I was aroused from my slumber by the opening bars to ‘Theme from a Summer Place’, and the arousing hands of an unknown assailant.

Stanislav Pervalov was leering down over my prone body, his right hand was clutching the sequined undergarments that I’d been given some hours previously, and his left hand was hidden from sight, somewhere within my trousers.

“Ah! Mr. Carrot, I hope you slept well, I was just checking the merchandise you understand, now if you would be so kind as to get into this more fitting costume, your patrons are waiting.” He said, extracting his hand and throwing the undergarments directly into my face.

“I have an album by ‘Percy Faith’, its called ‘Hit Themes for Young Lovers’, its very good.” I said as Mr. Pervalov retreated from my chamber.

“Nice, now put on the damned costume.” He snapped, and his face momentarily turned to thunder.

‘Crack-kaka-boom!’ Went the thunder.

“Hmmm! Must be some local Hungarian custom, don’t want to upset the natives.” I thought as I stripped down to my string vest, spent thirty-two minutes fastening the sequined brassiere about my broad manly chest, three seconds slipping into the silk lined sequined panties, and then replaced my yellow raincoat.

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Closing my eyes and ignoring the turnips raining down onto the stage around me, I plucked up my courage, sucked in my fear, stroked my dignity, and began to dance…

…And sing!

“Sweetness I like your dress, I love the way you know you’re the best, I’m in love and I’m a mess, I really want you my coo ca choo…”

The turnips stopped, the crowd went silent…

“I love you yes, I love you yes, I love my coo-ca, I want you yes, I want you yes, I really do…”

The overweight woman stood, several burly, yet obviously wealthy, local vegetable farmers began to clap, my hips began to gyrate, my pelvis started to swivel, my raincoat slipped suggestively from my shoulder, and I sang on…

“Tom cat, you know where its at, come on lets go to my flat, lay down and groove on the mat, well you can be my coo ca choo…”

Raining vegetables were replaced by raining underpants, a short stocky bicycle grease salesman swooned, Stanislav Pervalov nodded his head agreeably, and the overweight woman twirled her fur coat around her head…

“Chains, chains, I’m all in chains, real love will drive me insane, come on lets do it again, I really want my coo ca choo…”

Unwashed hands, fresh from obvious digging chores, grasped at my ankles as my raincoat fell to the floor, Petra gazed in astonishment from her mostly concealed position, and her enormous chest heaved a passionate sigh, two overly excited farmers started thrusting explicitly shaped parsnips into their drinks, and the overweight woman stormed the stage…

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

“Good show, I’ve seen better, but you have earned yourself a double helping of cabbage soup, now get some rest, for tomorrow night, we do it all again.”

Leaving me alone, I sat there for moments, probably minutes, possibly an amount of time that never knew, before eventually I crawled out of bed, shuffled over to the discarded fur overcoat, and kicked it.

“What have I done?” I screamed, as the reality of recent events struck me like a three-pound mackerel across my tortured heart.

Glancing around the room, desperately searching for some kind of restitution from the aching void that now occupied my world, my eyes returned to the former Miss Snatchabaltilov’s coat, and I saw something that instantly ripped me from my miserable state, there was a label attached to the inside of the collar, there were words upon that label, and those words were…

‘Genuine Original Hand-Made Yeti Fur Coats by Yellow Peril and Orange Tang, World Domination Enterprises.’

A thought stuck in my mind, a thought that would not go away, a thought that nagged me until I felt compelled to give it utterance…

“Is this coat possibly made out of the fur from Shirley?”

My thoughts then tumbled into my vocal region, cascading forth in an unstoppable tidal wave…

“If that’s so, then there must be a connection between the Chief and Shirley the Yeti, how do they know each other? Why have they stayed in contact? Where are my trousers?”

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Suddenly I was brought careering back to reality by a harsh Hungarian voice screaming into my left ear…

“That telephone is for ‘Customer Use Only!’ Now get back to your chamber, you will get no cabbage soup tonight you wretched individual.”

‘Neat Bob’ stood just inches from me, and as I skulked obediently back towards the curtained area, I turned and got my first, and hopefully last, decent impression of the man…

He was stocky, stockier than a stock load of stock that had been stacked with stock, his wonderful tweed ensemble strained to contain his frame, and his miniscule head seemed to simply bobble around upon it.

His head was shaven, his eyes were miniature, his nose was broken, and his mouth merely a simple snarling slit, yet despite his obvious lack of charismatic features and charming disposition, his hairdressing expertise was obviously second to none, although it has to be said, ‘Jacques None’ is a pretty fine hair stylist in his own right.

As I crept back behind my curtain, to gather the remainder of my clothes together, I heard him say…

“You go near that telephone again, and I will chop your vegetables off!”

“Gulp!” I gulped once more.

Relaxing onto the bed, I then decided to wait for the weird clucking and oinking sounds to finish in the chamber next to mine, before I dared to approach ‘Henri Parrot’ with my cunningly conceived plan of escape.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

She had a wonderfully impressive chest, more impressive than any chest I could possibly imagine, and I’ve imagined a lot of impressive chests, but there was more to her than just that, she had guile, intelligence, shoulders, a waist, and a pair of legs!

In fact she was the ‘Real Deal’, a ‘Barbie Doll’, brought to life and given the brain of ‘Thomas Edison’, the wisdom of ‘Oscar Wilde’, and the footwork of ‘Johan Cruyff.’

As we canoodled and caressed each other, all horrendous thoughts of my earlier experience eased from my mind, and just before I drifted into a much more relaxed slumber, she whispered the following words…

“When you wake up I will not be here, I will have returned to my chamber, I never like any man to see me first thing in the morning, but later tomorrow I will put a sleeping powder into both the cabbage soup and parsnip wine, once everyone is asleep you can make your escape, and please take me with you?”

“Sure!” I said.

“Snore!” I said.

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Copyright Nigel Clements 2012.

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The Adventures of Spud Carrot Volume One.

The Adventures of Spud Carrot by Nigel Clements

The Adventures of Spud Carrot Volume One £15.80 (+p&p)

Here it is, the ‘Big One!’ 680 pages, over 90,000 words, the complete ‘Original Adventures of Spud Carrot’, from their humble beginnings as handwritten one page stories way back in 1973, when at the age of 12 I used to write them in the back of chemistry class, then taken to their typed up 20 page mini-stories in 1983, and carried around with me ever since.
Now, having been re-read, re-written, re-imagined, and finally unleashed upon an unsuspecting world, the product of over 38 years, the labour of a lifetime, the unshackling of a troubled childhood, a disturbed adolescence, and an even more chaotic adulthood.

If you buy this book, and I personally think you should, you may be a little confused at first, the writing style is unfamiliar and disjointed, but as you progress through the stories, I’m sure that you will notice the way the characters grow, the way they learn to handle and express emotions, this is a humorous insight into a madcap world where anything can and probably will happen, based loosely upon my own general inability to cope with the ‘modern world’, with rejection, with relationships, with anything, come and grow with me, come and grow with ‘Spud Carrot’, I can almost guarantee that those last three chapters of the last story, will almost bring you to tears.

Get involved, ‘Spud Carrot’ is the future of modern ‘anarchistic’ literature, all six books, all ten stories, in one handy hefty volume, save yourself £20.00 and buy the entire experience in one go.

Then start saving up for volume two!

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All now available in ePub format… for only 89p each!

#1 The Man in the Pink Mackintosh by Nigel Clements

The Man in the Pink Mackintosh By Nigel Clements Spud Carrot, the World’s least finest detective mind, faces his first and most challenging case, join him and his entourage of unnecessarily odd companions, as he pits his wits against an adversary of such deviousness, that he bares no relation to the word devious! Journey around the globe and back again, become entranced by overly maternal kangaroo’s, small gangsters, kipper ties and the most vicious game of football you could ever imagine. Redefining the word literature, to mean something akin to utter garbage, this is a must read, must scream, must throw-away and tell nobody about it kind of book!

#2 The House where things go Eeeeaaaarrrgggh! in the Night by Nigel Clements

The House Where Things Go Eeeeaaaarrrgggh! in the Night by Nigel Clements Spud Carrot resumes his adventures, as he sets out to uncover the strange goings on at Stately ‘Not-Hunchback Manor.’ Follow the ever confusing plot, as our hero assumes a pseudonym, assumes the worst, and assumes you will understand what the heck he’s up to. Meet wonderful new characters, the billiard loving Sir Reginald Not-Hunchback, his faithful manservant ‘Gravy’ and a procession of parsnip cooking, man-eating, ‘Indoors’ sisters. As sexually charged as a 3amp fuse, this is a detective novel with a difference, the difference being it makes no sense whatsoever!

#3 Mad Mortimer and the Great Lamppost Scandal by Nigel Clements

Mad Mortimer and the Great Lamppost Scandal by Nigel Clements Welcome to the third instalment of the adventures of ‘Spud Carrot’ the world’s foremost inept detective. Journey to the vast metropolis that is known as ‘Newton Longville’ and meet entrancing new characters, such as the toilet friendly Stern Tone, the ‘Green Hooded Midget Gang’ and the delectable if confusing Joy, the Random Direction Rickshaw Driver. Gasp with awe as our hero takes on his most baffling case yet, as he struggles to apprehend the crazed lamppost lunatic ‘Mad Mortimer.’ Beware as once or twice Spud makes sense, and falls in Love for the very first time.

#4 Yellow Peril and Orange Tang by Nigel Clements

Yellow Peril and Orange Tang by Nigel Clements Spud Carrot embarks on his 4th and most important adventure yet, charged with the task of defeating a pair of nefarious oriental twins, who are hell-bent on World domination, Spud once again journey’s to the four corners of the globe to complete his quest. Become amazed as our hero becomes sexually entangled with all manner of extremely helpful young ladies, stagger with astonishment as he becomes romantically embroiled with a she-beast, and cheer with delight at the continued appearance of Poles, Creak, Headlines and the Chief. Also featuring a special guest appearance by the then President of the United States of America, Mr. Ronald Regan, this book is almost twice the size, half the chapters, but still adheres to the same senseless nature as the previous three.

#5 Spud Carrot and the Shorter Tales by Nigel Clements

Spud Carrot and the Shorter Tales by Nigel Clements In this the 5th book in the series, Spud Carrot embarks on a complex plethora of short stories, designed to baffle and bemuse even the keenest of minds, and lets face it, our hero’s mind is about as keen as a wet salami sandwich. Featuring five tales of understated madness, that comprise problems with garbage collection, an ill-coordinated pogo-stick race, some strange goings-on involving eucalyptus blossom, Greek acrobats, and a giant South American snake. Plus a degree of confusion surrounding imaginary postmen, and a rather disconcerting mid-morning coffee break. These adventures will leave you wondering, ‘why on earth were they ever written?’

#6 Dirty Rag by Nigel Clements

Dirty Rag by Nigel Clements This the 6th book in the series, featuring the 10th of the ‘original’ Spud Carrot adventures, bristles with imagination, as finally our hero takes his first steps towards becoming a genuinely ‘inept’ detective. Faced with his most perilous case to date, read as he overcomes, irate pet-shop assistants, deranged comedians, pornography obsessed hotel managers, his Mother’s constant knitting habits, and an ‘evil purveyor’ of all things ‘Mint Cake.’ Cheer with joy, as Headlines and Creak, finally reveal more of there innate oddities, and welcome the arrival of the wondrous ‘Hunch’, as Spud Carrot battles against the odds, to bring to justice, the dangerous, and decidedly unhinged, chemical rag-infused, ex-naval weapons expert, ‘Stanley Duffusup AKA Dirty Rag.’

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…Getting on with ‘Dirty Rag.’

Today I’m going to start work on book number 6, in my series of ‘Spud Carrot Adventures.’
I will of course post occasional snippets, if I deem them worthy… Oh and I know I will get distracted by the football tonight, Luton Town vs York City, must win game for my beleaguered ‘Hatters!’

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Spud Carrot and the Shorter Tales

Spud Carrot and the Shorter Tales by Nigel Clements

In this the 5th book in the series, Spud Carrot embarks on a complex plethora of short stories, designed to baffle and bemuse even the keenest of minds, and lets face it, our hero’s mind is about as keen as wet salami sandwich.

Featuring five tales of understated madness, that comprise problems with garbage collection, an ill-coordinated pogo-stick race, some strange goings-on involving eucalyptus blossom, Greek acrobats, and a giant South American snake. Plus a degree of confusion surrounding imaginary postmen, and a rather disconcerting mid-morning coffee break.

These adventures will leave you wondering, ‘why on earth were they ever written?’

Available from Lulu.com

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Yellow Peril and Orange Tang

Yellow Peril and Orange Tang by Nigel Clements

Spud Carrot embarks on his 4th and most important adventure yet, charged with the task of defeating a pair of nefarious oriental twins, who are hell-bent on World domination, Spud once again journey’s to the four corners of the globe to complete his quest.

Become amazed as our hero becomes sexually entangled with all manner of extremely helpful young ladies, stagger with astonishment as he becomes romantically embroiled with a she-beast, and cheer with delight at the continued appearance of Poles, Creak, Headlines and the Chief.

Also featuring a special guest appearance by the then President of the United States of America,
Mr. Ronald Regan, this book is almost twice the size, half the chapters, but still adheres to the same senseless nature as the previous three.

Available from Lulu.com

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Mad Mortimer and the Great Lamppost Scandal

Mad Mortimer and the Great Lamppost Scandal by Nigel Clements

Welcome to the third instalment of the adventures of ‘Spud Carrot’ the world’s foremost inept detective.

Journey to the vast metropolis that is known as ‘Newton Longville’ and meet entrancing new characters, such as the toilet friendly Stern Tone, the ‘Green Hooded Midget Gang’ and the delectable if confusing Joy, the Random Direction Rickshaw Driver.

Gasp with awe as our hero takes on his most baffling case yet, as he struggles to apprehend the crazed lamppost lunatic ‘Mad Mortimer.’

Beware as once or twice Spud makes sense, and falls in Love for the very first time.

Available from Lulu.com

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